Friday, November 7, 2014

Thinking...

I lay here thinking...unable to sleep...
Me and my husband have been married for 7yrs last June...in that time we've had to move from our home in South Carolina, into a place in Tennessee...only to need to leave there...we came to minnesota and had our first child while living in an apt with cracked windows...we moved into a trailer house, had our second child, found mold, moved into another apt...a little girl was killed days later, police investigations, a guy was put in jail....we moved out of there into a house...was forced to leave there by the county when the basement wall shook...we to went to Oklahoma...came back to minnesota,,,the septic tank went in we moved into the farm and now....
7yrs we've been married...so far the only bliss has been in the babies...7yrs of marriage...4 kids...what else is there? Grandma said bad things come in 7year intervals...
Makes me think of the bible story of Joseph telling the dream of the pharaoh...the 7 fat cows mean 7years of plenty...those are eaten by the 7 skinny cows....7yrs of struggle follows...grandma died in 2006...was that the start? Or was it in 2007 when me and my husband had to leave our first house? Don't misread me,,,I'm not saying marrying my husband was a bad choice...I'm saying 7yrs of struggle follow 7yrs of plenty....is mine and my husbands 7yrs of plenty coming soon? We've been struggling since we got married...married in a love so strong it has kept us together for better and for worse...I watch marriages fall apart over less then what we have endured...
Grandma...is our 7yrs of struggles ending soon? 2015 will be yr 8 we've been together...will it be a year of "plenty"? Or more struggles...
I don't want for much...happiness...no more worry of what tomorrow wil hold...that's all I ask...I'm tired of moving...I want my kids to have a place to call home...is that asking for too much?

Has it really been that long?

It doesn't feel like it's been over 2 months since I posted anything...but I guess it has been...
The part 2 months have been very eventful....mostly not good...I can't even put into words all of how I've felt these past months...
Grandpa, I love you and miss you so much! How I wish you were here now...I feel like I can't breath, the world has come crashing lower then I ever thought possible...I know I'm having an anxiety attack, my first ever...but probably not my last...I'd be crying in yours and grandmas arms if you were here today...I don't know what to do! I just want hide away and cry but I can't, there's not time...
Today is Js first birthday..it's supposed to be a day of happiness...a celebration of a little boy but no, I can't...I can't get past the unknown...13 days and we find out what happens...how did it ever come to this?! Stupid greedy people!
J has your cheeky smile...he has your stubbornness...he even has you're white hair...it's like you live on in him. It usually brings me comfort..,but not tonight...tonight I worry about the unknown...oh Js fine...the others are fine...we are all fine physically...but so much else is not right in our lives...ilegal things are being allowed to be done towards us...it makes me sick just thinking about it. Money. The worlds evil. Can buy one anything....even the downfall of another...


...I don't know when I'll update next...I might later if I can make a happy day for my baby...please pray whoever reads this...