Lately I've been thinking more and more of various different things in life. Like dreams. What is a dream really? I'm not talking about the kind of dream someone has while asleep; but the kind that you look forward to completing someday, somehow in your life. One such dream for me was to turn the farmhouse into MY home; and each passing day that is becoming more and more of a reality for me, but it'll still be time before it's fulfilled completely.
Then there's the dreams of family I've always had. I've always wanted 6kids; even had names picked out for 3 boys and 3 girls. Sure I've not used ANY of those names; but I have 3 kids (2 girls and a boy) so maybe I'm on the way to completing that dream, too. But then you have people who come along and say things that hurt that basically say "Give up on those dreams of kids" it's not their life it's mine. Why must people say things to hurt like that though? Sure they might not know us as well as they think they do but still...why hurt someone for something, anything, just by saying words. The saying goes "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". Well, I feel that's a lie, cuz words DO hurt a LOT sometimes.
I've also been thinking of my Grandparents. My Grandma and Grandpa. They're both no longer here in flesh, but call me strange if you'd like, there are times I smell my Grandma's "smell" that I can't even begin to describe even if I wanted to. And I smell the smell of my Grandpa's tobacco. And I know they're here with me even if not in flesh. Oh, how I miss them some days. My Grandma was the one person I could talk to about anything and everything knowing I'd not be judged over it. I miss that, I don't feel I can openly speak to anyone without them judging me in some way these days. :( I miss my Grandpa's laugh when I'd share with him something 1 of the kids said. I miss hearing his scooter going, don't think I'll ever hear a scooter going without thinking of Grandpa. He left us so fast, in some ways I'm glad, but in some ways I'm not.
I guess maybe it's the time of year. Right now me, Grandpa, and Grandma would be discussing, purchasing, counting, and planning seeds and plants for the gardens. Grandpa would be asking me "Betsy, what fruit tree should we get this year?" and then we'd plan where to plant it. Well, Grandma and Grandpa, this year I WILL have a garden! A BIG garden! On the farm! I know you'll help me decide what to plant, how much, and where. And when the time comes in the fall hopefully we can transport some of those fruit trees from town out to the farm. I know for sure I'll be getting myself an Apple Tree, or maybe 2 or 3. For the Apple Blossoms, Grandpa. Maybe I can find some Wild Roses to plant, too! Now wouldn't that be neat? And for Grandma I'll plant some "pee-on-mes", there's already at least 2 Lilac bushes there still! I will keep our plans happening each year, the plans of a garden and fruit trees. And I will turn the farm house back into it's old glory and make it my dream home.
Sorry for this sad, and depressing post...but hey! life's not all lollipops and rainbows, right?